Jesus in the Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother, Portland, Oregon

I have lost more than one friend when that old familiar call to find oneself was answered. It is almost a religion of its own, self-discovery. Yet, as a process for healing, it can have a lot of value.

Unfortunately, finding oneself tends to be a sad process of trial and error, with no realization that few things may be tried without consequences. Rather than finding ourselves, we end up making ourselves.

Like trying on a pair of sunglasses, and having a friend exclaim, “It’s you!”–we “try on” different experiences to see if they are “us”. Just as looking in a mirror to discover how I look with a certain pair of shades does not give me a true reflection of how I candidly appear to others, so toying with all of the choices in life does not accurately reveal truth about me.

Yes, some things may feel more like I was made to enjoy them, but enjoyment or a natural feeling is not indicative of something being beneficial or moral. It also reveals nothing substantial about me.

One friend said to me once, “Someday, Rex, when you meet God, he’s going to say, ‘Rex, my son, what did you think you were doing? I made you gay and you turned your back on it.'”

I told him that I admit that the origin of my same-sex attraction is unclear. Yet, life is not for us to remain as we are, but to grow into what we might be. It would be a simple enough matter to rediscover those aspects of myself that have been with me since birth or thereafter. Under certain circumstances revisiting past events may be necessary to resolve difficulties related to them, hence we have the popular talk about exploring our inner child.

While such healing activities are a necessary part of life, they are not the purpose of life. The purpose of life is to learn to be happy and happiness is the direct result of following the path as laid out by the one who blazed a perfect trail. He is who we must seek, not our inner child, not our feminine or masculine side, not our lost manhood or womanhood, not our homosexual nature, and not our troubled male or female identity. These other mysterious indiviuals are only acquaintances, traveling companions on a spiritual journey in search of something of far more value.

I sincerely hope to bring my inner child along with me, but I do not let him rule me. Similarly, I bring forward on all of life’s journies, the inner man who loves and longs for closeness with other men.

He whom we seek is the Holy One of Israel, the Salvation of God. I seek him and not those other aspects of me, because they cannot save me. No matter where my homosexual nature boarded my train, and no matter how long it intends to stay, it cannot save me.

When I, like Mary Magdalene, am asked, “Whom seekest thou?”, I hope to be found seeking the same risen Lord that she sought. At that day, I hope it is he himself that asks the question, that he calls me by name, that my weeping will end, my eyes clear, and I behold with unspeakable joy him whom I have sought with all my heart.

Until that happy day, may I pose that same question to myself whenever I am tempted to “find myself.”

But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,

And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.

And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master. (John 20:11–16, emphasis added)

May I ask you also to ponder, whom seekest thou?

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