When I was interviewed recently for a local news station in the Salt Lake City area, the thing that the interviewer seemed to find most incredible was my assertion that I am a happily married man who is also homosexual. He seemed to be truly amazed that such a person could exist. His questions seemed to be geared towards finding a chink in my story insofar as my happiness was concerned.

I have encountered that same skepticism in other places, some doubting my true orientation or doubting my claim to be happy. They underestimate me.

Happiness, I have found, is largely a matter of choice. We cannot always choose how life treats us, but we can always choose how we treat life.

Happiness is not some water balloon that God drops on our heads from some celestial apartment building window. It is a prize to be sought after.

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught:

Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Section Five 1842-43 Pg.255)
I don’t think it is coincidental that he used the word, “pursue.” We indeed must pursue our happiness with all the tenacity we can muster.

Peace and joy in life is not as difficult to find as we may believe. It is often a matter of choosing to be content. The apostle Paul wrote:

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:11–13)
Every once in a while, my wife thinks about our lot. Recently, as we talked, she asked about the strength of my feelings of attraction for men. I told her in all honesty that they are still strong, as real to me as ever. She said that she figured as much.

She told me that she knew why I didn’t let those feelings take over my life. This I wanted to hear.

She said it was because of my testimony of the gospel and my relationship with the Savior. I thought about that for a moment and decided that she was only half right.

There is another reason that she doesn’t see often enough but is there. It is simply this, that I know what it would do to our family, to my children, to our marriage. I don’t want anything to spoil that.

Even at that, we haven’t come to the real thing that keeps me going. It is something elusive, something that I don’t do consciously, but I know my mainstay. It’s a secret very difficult to unravel, but one that makes life not only bearable, but joyful.

You see, counting the cost, as in thinking of the damage it would do to backslide, is a very weak deterrent. It failed me over and over. There have been times when I’ve sat down and made a list of all the horrible consequences that would naturally follow if I yielded to powerful temptations. I could imagine in my mind each and every deadly detail of the suffering I would inflict on myself and others. After I had mentally experienced it all, I asked myself if I still wanted to succomb to temptation. I did, very much.

Counting the cost is best used after the fact, so we can look back on problems and see just why we want to change. It also helps us see rock bottom before we hit it.

However, counting the cost is not what we should do when we are trying to prevent a slip. What we need to do, and at the time is the hardest thing to do, is not to count the costs but to count our blessings.

I don’t believe anyone can honestly say they have no blessings. I think someone could say in all honestly that he feels he has no blessings, but if every honest person would do so, he could find things for which he could sincerely express gratitude.

Counting my blessings is what I do to remind myself that I want to stay on an upward path. It gives me hope to realize how much the Lord has done for me, because then I can remember that he promises he will continue to bless me.

Counting my blessings focuses me away from the very deadly trap of focusing on what I don’t have. There are many things I would enjoy that I don’t have. As a person who has grown up recovering from sexual abuse and sexual addiction, I have many deep and dark holes in my soul that I would love to have someone come and fill, but for all my striving to do that myself, it has never happened to my satisfaction. Until I understand that satisfaction and contentment are choices I make instead of events that happen, I could shovel tons of fill dirt into those holes and they’d still be empty.

One day, when all is revealed, I believe the Lord will bless me for having patience in trials and for living my life in gratitude for my blessings instead of regret for the pieces I feel are missing. I am grateful for all my many blessings. Just when I think I couldn’t ask for a better life, life gets better.

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