Written in 1996

An answer to those who think that a man who struggles with same-sex attraction can’t love a woman. A tribute to my wife, Barbara.
Much is being said these days about the supposed inability for a happy union between a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman. This unfortunately assumes that basic physical attraction is key to a happy and healthy marriage. I don’t mean to discount it, but I don’t believe it is the top priority.

When I met my future wife, it had been about three years since I had been with a male. In that time, I had convinced myself that I was done with that era of my life and that it had all been the folly and experimentation of youth. It became easy to deny and explain away my continued attraction to men and my lack of it towards women. My excuses were plentiful because I didn’t want to admit that I was gay still or that I ever was.

Being “mission” age, an inner conflict arose in me over whether to go. Consciously, I wanted to go, but subconsciously I knew that it would end up in me being sent home for homosexual behavior. To resolve it, I did not go.

I met Barbara and was immediately impressed with her testimony and depth of Spirit. Surely no one will say that a homosexual man can’t see and admire these things in a woman. During the next two years, I concentrated on my spirituality and worked hard on callings. There were many opportunities for me to be in Barbara’s presence, to meet her family, and to deepen my appreciation for her fine qualities.

At some point, without much effort, I had a growing feeling that the Lord wanted me to marry her. It seemed unbelievable. She was older than me and I didn’t feel that physical attraction I knew should be there. Still, I knew the importance of trusting those feelings and popped the question.

Over the many years of our marriage (19), we have faced many difficult things together. For three years, I was mostly incapacitated due to a lower back injury. During that time, she did more than her share of things without complaining and has continued to allow me to not be a gentleman and pick things up for her since I usually can’t reach the ground.

That young woman of uncommon charity and depth has grown into a great lady of uncommon charity and depth. She has given me five wonderful children that are all a credit to their mother’s greatness.

Do I love her? Yes. Am I physically attracted to her? Yes, though I arrived there through concerted and determined effort. She is the only woman I have ever met that can create that spark in me. To me, she surpassess all of the models, actresses, and Mormon princesses I have ever seen.

My attractions to men continue and I do my best to deal with them. Facing them and admitting them has been a better approach than denial, though it occassionally bothers Barbara. Still, she shows amazing understanding and empathy.

Love is so very much more than physical attraction. Marital sex is so much more than physical attraction too. With the gospel, the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, and devotion to each other, a man and a woman can overcome any obstacle to a happy life now and in eternity.

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