Enduring to the end

I have often characterized my struggles with homosexuality as “difficult”. Particularly, I mention the powerful temptations that I face daily. I perhaps have not done the topic its due, because the battle is only difficult when viewed on its own.

What I mean is that to look at my life the way it is–by itself, with tremendous urges and feelings, that if followed, would lead me away from gospel teachings–one might conclude that I am in constant pain from the clash of testimony with temptation. It is this impression that I might be giving that I wish to explain.

Long ago, I remember very much the anguish that was a consequence of doing things that I believed in my heart of hearts were wrong. It is in the comparison of the old me with the new that I understand that as potent as the temptations may be, to indulge them would not result in any degree of happiness. Indeed, where I was miserable before, I am now quite happy. The price has been entirely worth the effort.

In this sense, then, my struggles are not difficult. I have the misery of my former days of indulgence to remind me. As yokes and burdens go, obedience is quite easy.

Is it a difficult task to obey the gospel? No. It is an easy matter to those who possess the spirit of it. Most of this congregation can testify that the gospel ‘yoke is easy, and the burden light.’ Those who have embraced it will be judged according to their works therein, whether they be good or evil. To such as are untrue to their covenants it may be said, by and by, ‘Depart from me!’ In vain will they plead their former good works and faith. Why? Because the race is not to the swift nor the battle always to the strong, but to him that endures faithful to the end. (Joseph Fielding Smith, Gospel Doctrine, Pg.106)

I am often questioned as to why I continue to remind myself of my former ways, knowing that the Lord forgets forgiven sins. It is not so much that I want to remember those days as that I know how mindful I must be today that the temptations of that life are ever with me. I spent two decades believing in out-of-sight/out-of-mind where my temptations were concerned. These were hazardous years, full of unrelenting opportunities to return like a swine to his wallowing in the mire, yet because I denied that they were any temptation to me–that I had no need to fear–I was weakening degree by degree, letting my guard down slowly.

What runner, upon seeing the finish line ahead with no obstacles or competition in the way, is not tempted to slow the pace? Follow-through becomes paramount, because while running a straight course, we can only see our opponents when they reach the range of our peripheral vision. If we have slowed or relaxed our resolve, we will not be able to find the renewed speed in time to avoid being overtaken.

The counsel of Paul was:

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

And so, I changed my racing strategy from the one where I only ran with all my heart when I saw my foes approaching, to one where I run with vigor at all times, because as Joseph Fielding Smith had counseled, the race and battle belong to those who endure faithful to the end.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13–14)

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