Doug

Used By Permission

I had been struggling with addiction to pornography and masturbation for several years. These addictions had come throughout the years to affect my life in nearly all facets. Although I was able to live free of them during the time I was a missionary, I turned back to them upon returning home. Being an addict affected my self-esteem, relationships with others, decision making abilities, and outlook on life. Ultimately I had separated from my wife and abandoned all I knew to be true. The adversary caused me to become separated from all who cared for me and to feel alone.

Through nothing short of a miracle, my wife stood beside me and the Lord placed before me the opportunity to repent, recover and gain a new life through Him.

As the night approached for my appointment with my bishop, the feelings of anxiety, darkness, guilt, fear and lack of hope seemed to surround me. The spirit, which had bound me, was strong and had become comfortable throughout the years. I knew I was in for the fight of my life, and I knew it would take all that I had to open the book of my life to my bishop and before the Lord. It came down to my desire to be free and the small light of hope inside that it could be so.

What I had forgotten and seemed to surprise me as I entered into the bishop’s office was that the Lord was stronger and had overcome all that I had lived. As I confessed my transgressions the weight I’d carried began to be lifted and peace and love began to enter my soul.

As I left the bishop’s office that night, I felt as though the arms of Christ were around me. I felt that now that this chance to come back was layed before me, I needed to seize it, and that the Lord would help me if I would learn to rely and depend upon Him.

I found myself faced with strong temptations in the hours, days, weeks, and months that followed. The one that had held me bound for so long was trying to convince me at every turn that I was foolish and there really wasn’t any hope. These deceptions and lies were crafty and tailor made for me. Indeed, all the stops seemed to be pulled by this adversary who was fighting to keep me his. On occasion I slipped and it was during these times that this adversary would scream at me, ” I told you that you were nothing, that all was lost, that you couldn’t do it, that you should just give in and give up.” These slips required me to counsel with my bishop and confess my slips so that peace could return and I could wipe the slate clean again.

Through and through Christ was always there as I came back to lift me up and whisper truth to me again. He placed before me tools, (books, counseling, etc.), that would help me every step of the way. However, I learned that ultimately, the best and surest source of strength, hope, and help came when I would simply turn to Him. Ultimately, through Christ and his atonement, I was delivered from the bondage and adversary which held me captive for so long. Replacing the person I had been were hope, direction, peace, comfort, and new life.

In pondering these things I have thought about the great love of Jesus Christ and his Eternal Father. I know today that it is out of that love that I am made free and that it is possible for others. I pray that I can be filled with the love of Christ, even charity. I feel in my heart that because I have been given much, I too must give. I am grateful that through my weakness, I have been made strong and have the opportunity to demonstrate my love and thankfulness to my Savior through serving him the rest of my life.

I close with this scripture that I felt being whispered to me as I left my bishop’s office that night.

“Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins-behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (D&C 58:42–43)

Doug

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