By Joseph

Used By Permission

This essay is derived from the experience and understanding of the author. It is only the author’s opinion of which counsel received from priesthood leaders has been the least and most helpful. Although the messages taken from the counsel given are probably very different than the intended message, these are the messages that addicts tend to take from such counsel.

Least helpful counsel to an addict (all of which I have heard from both bishops and professional counselors)

Your problem is not really that serious:

• There are many, many more like you.
• This is a normal problem.
• One in five/ten men in our congregation struggle with this.
• Yes, it’s bad, but it’s not that big a deal.

The solution is easy, comes from self-control, and should come instantly:

• Just stop looking at pornography!
• Just stop struggling!
• Just trust God!
• Just use the atonement!

Until you are perfect, you will not be worthy (negating the atonement):

• You will not hold a temple recommend again until you and I both know that you will never, ever, nada, zip, zero, ever slip again.
• You will not hold a calling or a temple recommend again until you stop struggling.
• You will not hold a calling or a temple recommend again until you are no longer tempted.
• You will not hold a calling or a temple recommend again until you know God loves you.
• It doesn’t really matter if you didn’t look at pornography today, because you spent the whole day struggling to stay away from it.

Your wife is at fault:

• This is your wife’s fault.
• You should consider divorce.
• You’re not getting enough sex.
• Your wife’s pain is unreasonable: your addiction is “merely” pornography and masturbation.
• You won’t be able to recover unless your wife is willing to help you recover.

• Do not tell your wife.
• Do not tell your wife about the frequency or seriousness of your problem.
• Don’t come back to me with your problems.

In my situation, there was one time, when I came home after acting out, that I had the unmistakable impression not to tell my wife. As we talked, I found out she was feeling suicidal that day. I used that one instance as an excuse not to tell my wife over and over again. I believe that this lack of honesty prolonged my progression toward recovery by a great deal. It is my opinion that we need to be extremely wary about counseling an addict not to keep the commandment that says “Thou shalt not bear false witness…” because lying is such a big part of addiction. I do not deny that it may sometimes be wise to counsel a spouse not to reveal the addictive behavior, but my opinion is that this is a very rare circumstance.

In my opinion, there are a number of purposes for telling the truth to the spouse. They include removing the addict from the isolation that his lies and protection of his lies cause, to stop living in hidden darkness, to give the spouse an understanding of the crazy things that are going on at home, and to open up the truth for the addict’s own understanding.

It is important to note is that it is not good for an addict to tell his spouse in order to get rid of guilt or to inflict suffering. Addicts may sometimes feel that in telling the truth, they have somehow repented, or that acting out was just payment for bad treatment from the spouse. The antidote to this may be to tell the truth with one purpose being to accept the unvarnished truth about ourselves, and another to express sorrow for having betrayed our wives.

As always, the Spirit is the key.

• Keep your wife from suffering by not telling her. I have already committed the deed that will cause suffering. The suffering will come either for obvious and known reasons or for unknown and confusing reasons. By lying to her to avoid her feeling pain, I am trying to take her suffering upon myself, without the capacity for vicarious suffering.
• Loose yourself from your chains of bondage. I can’t do that—only Jesus can.You’re not trying! Try harder, and then I’ll work with you:  
  • You have to get control of yourself.
  • You are just playing a game. When you really want to stop, you’ll stop.
  • All you want is someone to feel sorry for you! Look, I’m not going to molly-coddle you!
  • If you want my help, you’re just going to have to get used to tough love.
  Mixed messages:

   

   

  • Can I call you in a time of crisis? Yes……Bishop, I’m struggling to stay away from pornography right now. But I haven’t slipped today! Well, stop it right now! You are betraying your family by not working and making money. Get back to work and just stay away from it. Uhhh…
  • Keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing……Bishop, I’m checking in to let you know I have been clean for 2 months! Could I get a temple recommend for my brother’s wedding ceremony in a month? You will not hold a temple recommend again until you and I both know you will never slip again.
  • I really want to help you get over this abuse with your parents so you can be happy. I would like you to confront them with these things……Bishop, I confronted my parents and things are going a little better. So, tell me brother, what’s your excuse now that you’re no longer having problems with your parents?
  Create unreasonable barriers

   

   

  • Don’t use the internet. My work requires internet use at infrequent intervals.
  • Stay away from magazine racks. If you purchase much of anything, this is not possible.
  • Leave the house during an argument to calm down. This is dangerous for an addict.
  • Don’t leave the house during an argument. This is sometimes necessary.
  Most helpful counsel to me as an addict.

   

  Your hurt is legitimate, and you are not alone in this very serious struggle:

   

   

  • There are many who struggle with this, and you really need some help
  • This is a normal problem, but it is a very serious problem
  • Abused children are not responsible for the genesis of the addiction, but they are responsible to recover from addiction.
  • Addiction is terribly painful. So is recovery, but recovery is less painful, and the suffering decreases as you progress.
  The solution is simple but not easy. It comes from giving up your stranglehold on self-reliance, and will probably come gradually as you learn how to trust God.

   

   

  • You cannot do this alone, and that’s OK.
  • You need to be committed to a long process of recovery.
  • Forget all you learned about being saved by grace after all that ye can do. You have already done all that you can do except admit to God that you can’t do any more, and that you will let His grace do the rest.
  • Turn the scriptures back the right way round: they do not read “deny yourselves of all ungodliness and be perfected, and then you shall be worthy to come unto Christ.” They read “Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness.” Coming unto Christ is first! You are going to have to let go and be humble enough to come unto Christ even with all your awful sins.
  Your small victories are important:

   

   

  • That’s great that you made it through the day
  • I am so glad to hear that you have made it 3 months!
  Your wife hurts much more than you understand:

   

   

  • It doesn’t matter what your wife does. This is still wrong, and it hurts her terribly
  • There is very likely too much sex in your marriage.
  • Sex is almost assuredly unholy in your marriage.
  • You may want to take an extended break from sex in your marriage to let things heal, to learn how sex can be holy in your marriage (though this one may drive an addict away, since he honestly believes that sex is his greatest need).
  • Part of my job in counseling you is to help you see that your wife is a daughter of God who is in tremendous pain, just like you.
  • You are responsible to recover regardless of whether your wife joins you in recovery.
  Be honest:

   

   

  • Talk to your wife about this.
  • Let her know about the frequency and seriousness of your problem.
  • Talk to me every time you slip, and call me before you slip.
  • Be honest with yourself about how powerless you are over this addiction, and that you really cannot do this without God’s strength.
   

  Accept your role as a mortal, and as your wife’s mortal helpmeet:

   

   

  • Mourn with your wife as she mourns.
  • Comfort her in her afflictions, even though you have caused many of them.
  • Support her as she struggles with the suffering.
  • Listen to her as she tells you what this does to her, without judging her feelings.
  • Trust God to loose your bonds.
  I and others are willing to accept you wherever you are, and help you get where you need to be

   

   

  • I know you really want to stop, but you don’t know how. Let me help you find some support.
  • Although I have to do my job as a judge in Israel, I want you to know I love you and I will comfort you wherever you are and whatever you have done.
  • May I give you a blessing of comfort?
  • There are counselors who can help you with this. I have, however, heard much of the same less helpful counsel from professional counselors. A counselor trained in sexual addiction and who uses 12-step resources will be much better for sex addicts. Just because a counselor is LDS does not mean that he will give good counsel to an addict.
  • There are others who have recovered from this who can help you understand the process and who can walk with you on your journey. Let me help you get in touch with one of them.
  • It’s OK to call people for help. In fact, keep a list of phone numbers handy to call in a crisis. You might even want to practice calling a few times before you find yourself in crisis.
  • There are other resources to help you (12-step programs, online services, literature, and etcetera).
  Consistent messages:

   

   

  • Can I call you in a time of crisis? Yes……Bishop, I’m struggling to stay away from pornography right now, but I haven’t slipped today! That’s great! Let’s see if we can’t help you keep it up. Do you know why you’re struggling so much today? Well, let’s see…
  • Keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing……Bishop, I’m checking in to let you know I have been clean for 2 months! Could I get a temple recommend for my brother’s wedding ceremony in a month? Well, let’s take a closer look at how you’re doing.
  • I really want to help you get over this abuse with your parents so you can be happy. I would like you to confront them with these things……Bishop, I confronted my parents and things are going a little better. Great. I’m glad to hear that. What things are you still struggling with in your family? Is the improved relationship with your parents helping you with your addiction?
  Create reasonable boundaries

   

   

  • Outside the home, use the internet only when required for tasks you must perform. Anything that is optional should wait. Use the internet at home only when your wife is nearby.
  • Stay away from intimate apparel and media departments of stores. Try facing backwards in checkout lanes. Try holding conversations with your spouse in the checkout lanes. Try moving beyond the magazine racks as soon as you can, and then look only forward.
  • If you can stay at home to work out an argument, that’s best, but have a planned ½ hour, 1 hour and 2 hour journey where if you stay on the path, you can’t get in trouble. Don’t leave without praying for strength to stay on the path first.

  Joseph

   

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